It's time to face facts - my weight

Recently I've been starting writing a lot of posts, not really knowing what I'm trying to say and then just leaving my rambles, sometimes even half way through a sentence. Life is pretty busy at the moment, I'm working way more than my contracted hours (my own doing) but I'm not good at taking a break and I get told off by various family members and friends for this often. I often wonder if my working life affects my eating habits or if my mental health surrounding eating is something that would always have been how it is no matter what job I did and no matter the circumstances.

Sometimes admitting something to yourself is the first step in the change.

I can now say that yes I am an over eater and yes I am a binge eater. This is a fact I realised myself maybe a month or so ago now. It's something that since I said out loud for the first time I've been trying to come to terms with and trying to work out how to deal with. I don't know how it's taken me so long to realise as now it's just so obvious.

I'm not sure when or why it started but I often feel compelled to eat, sometimes I'm not even hungry. Now that I'm aware it's a problem and something I do, without sounding stupid, I can feel it coming on. I am pretty sure since I said the words to myself, it's actually happened less and today was probably the worst day eating and mentally in a good while.

My binges differ from time to time. It is not something I'm proud to admit but on a really bad day I could consume in the region of three days worth of food. I literally keep scoffing food in and can't stop myself - it's almost like I am possessed. Usually when I finally decide I can't eat any more I feel very uncomfortable to the point where I want to be sick to make my stomach feel less painful but this is not a step I've ever actually taken. I don't have binges in the company of other people either, they can start with say a meal out with people but unless I'm alone it does not continue - I'm not really sure why that is but it's probably to do with prejudiced against my size etc and it's something previously I've wanted to hide from people almost as if to say that there is nothing wrong. I think it's important for me to try and say this out loud sometimes and remind myself that it's okay for something to be wrong.

I'm hoping that by writing this down, documenting how I feel and what I do that my binges will someday be something I can control. Something I can feel about to happen and somehow divert from. I think another important step I need to take at the moment is to see a GP about this and hope that they don't just look at me and think I'm a fat greedy bastard. I think a lot of people don't believe in eating disorders in 'fat' people and I know this won't be an easy ride.